But after a few months of dating, Tom’s attitude and behavior began to shift. He became distant. Tom texted less often and seemed overly consumed by work. When Tracy confronted Tom he said the relationship was going too fast. Tom communicated that his current priority was work and he felt pressured and overwhelmed by her needs. Then he ended the relationship. Tracy was confused and heart-broken. The end came seemingly out of the blue for her. It was as if they were having two completely different experiences. Tracy thought that they were moving toward a committed relationship. How could she have been so off-base, she wondered? I worked with Tracy to reflect on how much she really knew Tom. Had the couple really communicated about their relationship before becoming intimate? What she discovered was that she felt euphoric when she thought about him, but she didn’t feel calm and safe. Tracy was almost addicted to how she felt when she was with Tom. This common experience can be traced back to a wily neurotransmitter called dopamine, which plays a major role in physical attraction. Dopamine is a pleasure chemical that stimulates reward-motivated behavior, evoking euphoria, and stimulating passion. Great! you say. Unfortunately, relationships based on chemical addictions (even natural ones) rarely work out without a huge helping of honest communication. We have such high hopes when we enter a relationship. And when it ends abruptly, we are left feeling confused and hurt. Tracy wanted Tom to be available for something long-term, yet ignored the important signals that he was not able to commit. Here are a few signs that it’s dopamine—not reciprocally passionate love—that has you coming back for more (possibly setting you for an abrupt break-up):
They’re mysterious. If you use this phrase to describe someone you’re dating, it’s probably a sign that they aren’t ready to own a fair share of the connection. Having to pull information out of someone can be an exciting game until serious questions arise, then it’s anything but cute. True connection happens when both people are vulnerable and exposed. You feel anxious. If you feel lost or empty when you’re not with them, it’s a good sign that dopamine is at work, not love. Relationships should bring out your best strongest self. You want to win them over. If you secretly enjoy chasing this person and hope to win their affection, this is most likely dopamine. You might have fun along the way, but don’t confuse this with a shared “leaning into” relationship.
I know, I just described three quarters of the relationships out there. But, take heart! There are steps you can take to mindfully navigate the dating world. Here are a few tips that might help you enjoy your next date, rather than fret over it.
Six Mindful Tips for Navigating the Dating World
And most of all remember: we are all wired for love. We just have to be honest with ourselves about what we want in order to find it. Good luck out there!
